There is a story of an old farmer with only one horse to till his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills. When the neighbors came over to sympathize, the farmer simply said, "Bad luck, good luck? Who knows?". A week later the horse returned with two beautiful wild mares from the hills. When the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck, his reply was "Good luck, bad luck? Who knows?". Later, as the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses he was thrown off and broke his leg, and once again everyone thought this very bad luck. The old farmer simply repeated "Bad luck, good luck? Who knows?". Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth -- only the farmer's son with his broken leg was allowed to remain… Good luck, bad luck? Who knows?
For me this story is about accepting what is. Even when a situation seems good or beneficial, it can have repercussions that we would call bad. And those bad repercussions can in turn cause another situation that seems good to us. This is life, this is what happens, and there is no way to control it. You can’t control it by judging it. But what you can control is your own internal world, how you react to your life’s situations. We can expend a lifetime of energy flip-flopping between such judgments, celebrating our good fortune and condemning the bad, but ultimately, these judgments are a mental fiction that distracts us from simply accepting the present moment. And, this lack of acceptance leads to pain. Since you can’t change what is, to eliminate pain you must change your reaction to it.
This is a nice fairytale, and easy to nod your head in agreement when times are good. But last year, I really had to put this into practice. It seemed like the year was testing my equanimity.
- Our multi-year quest for pregnancy continues - and I am working to release the pain and feelings of inadequacy. But in working through this, I found some unholy reasons for wanting a child, including wanting there to finally be someone who loved me “the most”. This realization has helped me investigate my relationship with my own parents and begin releasing that baggage. It has also helped me to release the desperation associated with wanting a biological child. And it has also helped me to simply love and enjoy my badass stepson, who now feels every ounce my own child. I am so grateful for him, and for his incredible mom and his dad (my hubby) who love that I love him and support our relationship.
- A family member attempted suicide, which was blamed on me – I am working to release that anger and feeling of betrayal. But in working through this – in writing about it – I have found a voice and strength and perspective I didn’t know I had. And I have also recognized the other familial gifts I have. My stepmom and I have grown so much closer, and I have realized what a quiet and constant and consistent presence I’ve had in her my entire life. And such an incredible female role model, one who is strong and determined and just does the Right Thing no matter who's watching and no matter the stakes. I just love her - STEPMOMZ 4 LYFE, people!
- I got laid off… the cherry on top in the last quarter of the year. A lot more anger and disillusionment and bitterness there to release. But also a real identity crisis. I was so heavily invested in my tech career and my ability to make myself indispensable. But, this has given me space to emerge from The Matrix (yes, Keanu!) and give myself permission to pursue a career change I’d been simmering on for a while. Time to write this blog, time to spend with my clients, time to simply ponder and create and muse and play.
Letting go doesn’t mean you become an apathetic bump on a log, checking out of your life’s experience, your emotions, your unique perspective, your sense of humor. I love the way Yung Pueblo puts it:
Going with the flow does not
mean you sit back passively and
expect everything to work out.
Going with the flow means you
don’t cause yourself stress
fighting changes that are
out of your control.
As Eckhart Tolle puts it - nothing ever happens in a time that is not now. Things don't happen in the past, they happen now. Things don't happen in the future, they happen now. So, you better pay attention to now, otherwise you are going to miss your whole life. For a more profound exploration of the power of acceptance, I recommend his book, The Power of Now. It’s a bestseller for a reason!